Hello September!

I've always been soo exited to meet September.. The main reason is that; it's DH's birthday month! Usually, I will prepare his gift/present way months before.. 

This year, i wish to give him the biggest birthday gift ever : a BABY....

But i wonder, will I ever to do that? If I couldn't give him a positive beta and a viable pregnancy next week, means this year.. I dont have anything to give him for this year.. sad.. :(

All these while, my DH has been acting "OKAY" of us not having any babies yet.. But, i know, he's just being a good husband.. Deep inside him, i guess Allah knows best. He has been seeing all his friends carrying the fruit of their loins.. Sometimes, i over-heard when his friends questioned him for not having any babies yet..

Somehow, he's in pain.. With the tons of money spent for the treatments, my mood swings due to all sorts of medications, repeated ivf failures etc etc.. For me, I can just cry, cry and cry until i feel better.. But for him? Not a single drop of tear from him.. But i know his heart.. i know that he's pretending to be strong..

To my DH:

I'm sorry if this cycle didn't turn up as what you've expected..

I'm sorry for all the trouble that I caused in your life..

I wish I can be a better wife for you..

I wish things have turned up differently..

I wish I can make you happy..

I wish I could wipe your secret tears..

Nevertheless, I do not want you to leave me..

I have no where to go without you..

I'm lost without you..