Hello September!

I've always been soo exited to meet September.. The main reason is that; it's DH's birthday month! Usually, I will prepare his gift/present way months before.. 

This year, i wish to give him the biggest birthday gift ever : a BABY....

But i wonder, will I ever to do that? If I couldn't give him a positive beta and a viable pregnancy next week, means this year.. I dont have anything to give him for this year.. sad.. :(

All these while, my DH has been acting "OKAY" of us not having any babies yet.. But, i know, he's just being a good husband.. Deep inside him, i guess Allah knows best. He has been seeing all his friends carrying the fruit of their loins.. Sometimes, i over-heard when his friends questioned him for not having any babies yet..

Somehow, he's in pain.. With the tons of money spent for the treatments, my mood swings due to all sorts of medications, repeated ivf failures etc etc.. For me, I can just cry, cry and cry until i feel better.. But for him? Not a single drop of tear from him.. But i know his heart.. i know that he's pretending to be strong..

To my DH:

I'm sorry if this cycle didn't turn up as what you've expected..

I'm sorry for all the trouble that I caused in your life..

I wish I can be a better wife for you..

I wish things have turned up differently..

I wish I can make you happy..

I wish I could wipe your secret tears..

Nevertheless, I do not want you to leave me..

I have no where to go without you..

I'm lost without you..

FET Update - 8dpfet

So I thought that I'm strong enough to accept whatever fate bestowed upon me...

This morning, when i POAS, the result turned to be a BFN! Maybe, some might said that this is too early.. Some might said the my beta will initially increase in 2/3 days..

credit to google

But look, this is my 4th IVF cycle already.. I know the fact that if the UPT is negative by now, it means that my HCG level in my blood is very low.. The HCG level will increase about 100-200% in 2 days.. But if let say today my Beta HCG level is 0, in 2 days it is still considered low, right?

Okok, to be honest, I feel a bit sad.. Sad because i think, this is the best cycle that i've experienced thus far.. I've put soo much effort for this cycle. Some of the things that i've done pre-FET are as follows:

1. The longest Folic Acid that ive ever consumed before treatment.. everyday without fail for the last 6 months!

2. Other ppl wuld go BEKAM treatment for at least twice a year.. But, for this FET cycle, I've been through all the pain in BEKAM treatment for 3 times already within 4 months.. The most painful spot for BEKAM is definitely.. tummy! heeeee...

3.  Been eating tons of supplement just like my previous entry here; PLUS 5 other supplements recommended by my TTC friend (inspired by Ning Baizura's successful attempt... YES! She is pregnant already) which includes Olive Oil, Extra Virgin Olive Oil, Pomegranate Vinegar, Pomegranate Concentrate, Apple Vinegar... Vinegar??? YES i ate raw vinegar every morning...

4. I took the hurdle to go to Sg Petani just to see Mak Lang (even though i was a bit skeptical in berurut kinda of thing)..

5. During the ET, instead for taking normal mineral/plain water to make my bladder full, i took air zam-zam instead.. My DH and I went all over to find original air zam-zam, and we ended up paying hundreds just to have a bottle of air zam-zam..


Okok, by looking at the list above made me wanna cry already.. If i am truly not pregnant as predicted, I wonder will I do in my next cycle of IVF (if any)? Oooh, will there be any after this? To be truthful to all of you, we've spent every last penny in this treatment.. Furthermore, will I ever get anymore leaves from my firm? I've been missing from the office for quite sometimes now for the last 2 years..

Ya Allah, too much things playing in my mind right now.. Will Allah ever hear my prayers? What have i done ya rabb for me to encounter all these?

Dear baby angels,
Will mummy be disappointed again this time around?
Is this a sign that I will never ever gonna see you?

 Make me strong.. ya Allah, ya Rabb, ya Musawwir, Ya Wahhab....

Breaking News: G&B's Bambino Has arrived!

Taken from e-online:

It's Giuliana, Bill and Baby now!
Bill and Giuliana Rancic welcomed son Edward Duke Rancic at 10:12 p.m. Wednesday night in Denver. Their little boy, born via gestational carrier, weighed 7 pounds and 4 ounces and measuring 20 inches.

"Bill and I are blessed beyond words to welcome Edward into our lives," Giuliana tells E! News exclusively. "Thank you so much to everyone who supported us along the way. We are so in love with the little guy already!"

Indeed, there is ease after hardship.. When you don't give up, you can never fail.. Their stories have given such an inspiration for those who are battling against infertility. They have proven to the world that infertility is something that we can't be ashamed about. 

Truly.. I'm happy for them... They will, and always be... my source of inspiration!!!

Congrats Giuliana & Bill Rancic!

FET Update - 6dpfet

"Twinges twinges in my tummy,

Is it cyclogest pessaries OR just my imaginary baby?"

heeeeee..

Yups, having quite a number of twinges since morning today.. It could be anything. Based on my readings, the pessaries might also lead to this twinge syndrome.. Well, whatever..

Hope for the best,
Prepare for the worst...


p/s- I think, i'll do a POAS within these few days... I don't wanna be scared anymore.. Have faith as He knows best! 

FET Update - 5dpfet

Hello TTCians..

Ive been busy with work last few weeks, didnt actually have a chance to update anything here.

Well, last Friday, 3 embies were successfully transferred in my tiny uterus.. In most FET cases, ppl would highly concern about the quality of embies after thawing process.. Well, in my case, 2 of the embies, survived 100% after thawing and the other one dropped around 20% from the original quality.. All in all, i'm satisfied.. alhamdulillah.. The day before my ET, i dreamt that none of my embies survived.. hehehe.. That's why ppl always say that "mimpi cuma mainan tidur"...

Well, the time flies fast, and I am already in my 5dpfet.. I guess, im a lmost half way to go..

To be honest, i dont really put much hope on this cycle.. I'm done with grieving.. I've come to the stage where i'm just gonna do whatever necessary and leave the rest to Allah. Allah knows best for me.

Well if u asked me about any pregnancy symptoms now... my answer would be : NONE! heheheh.. I dont feel anything as at today except for the normal cramps at my lower abdomen..  Well, that's kinda nothing, right?

Ok, will keep you updated, okeh?

p/s- If it is not too late to wish all of you SELAMAT HARI RAYA, maaf sekiranya ada perkataan atau perbuatan yg menyinggung mana-mana pihak.. Peacee.. :)